


In your own sweet time

by Hutcheeran91



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depressed Simon Snow, Letters, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Post-Canon, no beta we die like simon snow's will to live
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:49:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26949259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hutcheeran91/pseuds/Hutcheeran91
Summary: You were the hero, weren’t you? The golden boy, the ever-courageous fuck. I never imagined gold could rust.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	In your own sweet time

~~Snow~~ Simon,

If you’re reading this (I hope you are), I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how things went. I wish we could have handled it better. I guess it’s for the best.

I know you told me to fuck off and die, to delete your number from my phone and never talk to you again. But I know where you live, and for my posh ass letters are still a thing. And I still have something to say. I’ve wanted to do it for the longest time, but usually, the words would just hang there, above me, unable to come down and out of my mouth... even when I knew you needed them shouted at you.

This is not a plead for you to take me back. We already established that we both need some time to work on ourselves.

I just want to let everything out once and for all.

Some people say it’s never too late, and that’s why I am writing this now, after everything. ~~I’m sorry.~~

I know you spent your whole life fighting, whether it was against dark creatures, other kids in foster care, or me. You wielded your sword against anything that looked like a threat to you and those you loved. You were fucking ruthless, Simon. And yes, I’m still thinking about that dog you killed, if you were wondering.

You were the hero, weren’t you? The golden boy, the ever-courageous fuck. I never imagined gold could rust. I never imagined that your light could get so dim, and your eyes so empty and tired.

You fought all kinds of monsters, slaughtered every single one of them when you had the chance. But you’re fighting some slimy, merciless demon now. The most insidious humdrum, creeping in the dark corners of your being – and you don’t know how to handle it. You’re letting it get the better of you.

Swinging your sword against inner demons might a bit tricky, but I promise there are other ways to deal with it. (Side note, I hope I didn’t give you weird ideas. Please don’t impale yourself with a sword, it’s not going to work.)

Nobody said it would be easy. In fact, life is pretty much a bitch. But you’re still Simon Snow, and I know that you can grasp the nettle and let it see who’s boss. I know you can take your pain and forge it into a sword that could finally help you get rid of all those ugly things inside you. (Side note part 2, that “ugliness” doesn’t include your flaws, I still think those are as wonderful as you are. Cheesy, I know, but I never got the chance to say it out loud and I guess it’s time to finally tell you.)

You need to understand that you’re still the hero, Simon, even if the voices inside you tell you otherwise. And those voices are not you, they’re just the product of years of abuse and trauma.

You ~~shouted at me~~ told me that you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, that you feel like a shell of your former self. I know that trying to find solace by letting those voices fill you up might be tempting, but please, don’t let them.

As I said, they are not you. You are unquenchable fire, that burns bright and red and golden and envelopes everything around it. You are buttery warmth and softness and safety, but also raw power and determination and potential, with or without your magic. You are the most beautiful human being I ever laid my eyes upon, under every point of view. You are a loyal friend and a thick but lovely ex-boyfriend.

You think your flame has gone out, but I promise that it’s still there, love, I can see it. There’s still an ember covered in layers and layers of lifeless cinder, but it’s still alive, hanging on. You should just find it, deep down into yourself, and then blow on it, let it take you. I’m sure you can.

And if you think that it’s too much, that you can’t make it alone, remember that, in fact, you’re not alone. Penny, Shepard, Agatha, Lady Ruth… I’m sure they would die to help you; you simply need to ask. (I would love to help you too. I’m sorry I never did before.)

Life is nothing but a worthy opponent for you, Simon. You can fuel the fire inside you, make it roar. Let it destroy everything that’s weighing you down and help you put together all the shattered pieces of your beautiful self. You can still live, my dear, you can rise above, strong and beautiful like the ~~phoenix~~ dragon you are, and let everyone know that you are the glorious hero that managed to save you.

Now, I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to push you or to dismiss your feelings – it’s totally okay to hurt and grieve, I hope you know it. But I also want you to understand that nobody can save you but yourself, as hard as it is, in your own sweet time. If you just wallow in your own misery, you’re never going to snap out of it.

And I also want you to remember that there are people who deeply believe in you, who are willing to help you fight off those demons you’re living with. People who love you, Simon, as you are. We all love you so much.

Don’t give up, darling. Carry on. I promise I will too.

And maybe, one day, our paths will cross again.

Always yours,

Baz.

P.S. “Out there may be monsters, my dear.

But in you still lives the dragon

you should always believe in.”

\- Nikita Gill.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading this absolute mess, hope you enjoyed it :)  
> I wrote this when a wave of inspiration hit me after reading a brilliant poem by Nikita Gill, Once Upon A Time II. It made me think so much of Simon, and after a couple of hours this kind of depressing and (hopefully) uplifting letter came out.  
> It was also heavily influenced by a playlist I made, full of songs that remind me of those two. [Feel free to give it a listen :)](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0unw9GhRRusn37eyeJAKDt?si=guPpxSA-RfGAgseMZZ5jig)  
> 


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